Blog

Another year draws near, yet again spring is opening itself up and inviting us in, and I walk forward, ready to bask in its presence. Yet what I also fall into is that time, that time when clocks froze, that broken time forever scarred with death.

How can the light bring so much darkness? But without the darkness would the light be as bold and as warm? For so long it was dull and pain, days and weeks of pain, relived trauma and stress, that stepping in now fills me with trepidation.

Almost excitement for the events upon me but also guilt and sadness for what could’ve been. But will never be.

With the exception of Christmas, I’m not sure there’s another month that consists of the amount of card writing needed, not one that feels like this one, anyway!

Imagine this, whenever you write a card you write everyone’s name to sign off! Everyone! Sometimes even your pet!

Bereaved parents ask themselves: How do I write a card? Do I write his name? Should I write his name? Who includes his name when they send a card to us?

It becomes a complicated conundrum. The answers differ, depending on who or what the card is for. Sometimes you write nothing at all. This was me. I couldn’t answer myself those questions, so I just stopped. It’s a question no parent ever expects to have to deal with. I did have to deal with the consequences of that. There shouldn’t be any though and I believe that to this day. Grieving is selfish, there’s no other way. If you’re too considerate of others, you are unlikely to be considering yourself!

I did of course start writing cards again, though I couldn’t honestly sit here now and say when that was. I do recall sometimes adding in Harry’s name, sometimes not. I remember what it felt like to read a card and not see his name, it’s so upsetting. Again, it is difficult also for those writing the card. Some were brave and added his name. I appreciated that. I much rather he be thought of. I do realise however that just because his name wasn’t there, doesn’t mean that the person writing didn’t think of him, and perhaps mull over the questions themselves; should I add his name??

Just the same as when it’s Harry’s Anniversary, which we are steadfastly approaching again, I know a mere small handful of people will think of him, or us at this time. I have learnt not to expect, not to hope and not to be upset or angry, regardless.

Those in the same ‘club’ as me, use different ways sign off their cards, and it becomes another bereaved parent tradition. I’ve seen a stamped sunflower to represent their son, or a leaf to represent their daughter. Others will continue to write their child’s name. We all have our own way which may take a while to find and feel comfortable with. Eventually I found mine.

So, I’ll tell you now why you may see a scribble of XXX*. Those symbols mark each of my children KISS, KISS, KISS, STAR

So if or when you next read a card from me, look out for the scribble and know that my son is Always thought of, with every card I write.

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